My husband is in Tomah right now for 9 weeks getting help for his PTSD. I pray that it helps him so he can enjoy life again.
My husband had a lot of bad dreams last night. I have no idea what brought them on, but it's really sad that he has a dream about Iraq 8 years later. I can't imagine how these memories just sit there waiting to come out and haunt him. He has dreams just about every night but I can tell this was a bad one.
I usually wake up to him yelling or whimpering. A lot of times he has his hands to his throat like he is being choked. This makes me wonder if he was being choked while over there. When I wake him, I always hope that I'm not going to be hit. At first he's not all here and he has to focus to come back to the real world. It seems like my voice helps to bring him back.
I don't know why, but John keeps forgetting to take his meds. Not only is this bad for him, but also for me. I don't like the person he becomes when he doesn't take them. It is very stressful and this whole ptsd thing has me pretty much doing everything myself. It's very frustrating when no one helps you around the house. He's always wanting to just lay around and sleep.
Yesterday was our anniversary and I was hoping to go down to a local place where they have a band til 9. I was hoping to sit by the water and have a nice dinner while listening to music. I had to give someone a ride to work around noon and when I got home he was sleeping on the couch. so then I thought I could clean up a little while he slept and then go. It didn't work out that way. He slept until 1900.
Yesterday we went to an autism benefit where there were lots of bands. John was good at first but then his anxiety was kicking in. There were way too many people there for him. He took an anxiety pill and that helped a little. Then another veteran noticed John's veterans hat and thanked him for his service. They bonded right away and started talking about their stories. Another veteran always helps John cope better. It seems to relax him.
Well it's 5 pm and John finally got out of bed. He's watching videos on fb about middle easterners killing americans. This just enhances his ptsd. I always suggest that he shouldn't be watching those because it just keeps the memories alive. He doesn't listen of course. He wants the anger so he will be ready to fight if he has to.
My husband talked to his counselor this morning. This is one of my favorite days because after his appointment he always comes home in a good mood and treats me the way he used to. I wish he could get counseling more often because it would really help.
He usually doesn't want to do anything and he actually text me after his appointment and asked if we would meet him for a movie. It was great! He was laughing and being his old self again. We have a play to go to tonight put on by the school kids. I hope the rest of his day is good and we can go there with him being in a good mood.
He loved the play and even laughed. I love it when he smiles and laughs. It makes his eyes brighten and they aren't so dark and gloomy looking like they are most of the time.
I found out that John skipped taking his pills twice on monday. That's what I was thinking happened because of how he was acting. He just gets so mean and uncaring when he doesn't take them. He skipped them once yesterday too. Yes he was angry and negative again.
Now today, he spent the whole day in bed. He said he didn't feel good. I know that he had a bad dream last night because he got up on his hands and knees and was swinging at the bed and the pillow. The thought crossed my mind to hurry up and wake him before he hits me accidentally. I called his name over and over until he snapped out of it. I told him it was just a dream and he went back to sleep. I'm glad we have a big bed. I feel like that saves me sometimes.
He has an appointment tomorrow. That is great because he usually comes home being really nice. :)
Today was not a good day. I should have known a bad day was coming since we had 2 good days in a row.
It started out with him missing his doctor appointment because he was late at the VA. Because of that, he said he wasn't going to do anything today.
So he laid in bed most of the day and when he had to get up, all he did was yell. It didn't matter what happened, everything was my fault. I really dislike the fact that he takes all his emotions out on me. It's really hard to stay strong all the time but I have to because if I show weakness, he will just put me down again. I asked him if he took his medicine but he didn't answer. He gets so pissed when I ask him, but sometimes he forgets to take it. That's usually when he gets mean.
He asked me a question today and when I didn't answer immediately, he said "I asked you a question!" He Made me feel like I was being controlled and ordered. I was kind of in shock and couldn't believe what he said. He also told me to go to hell. This is not the man I married. The war has made him angry and negative. It hurts so bad. Every time he says something mean to me, it's like a stab to my heart. When he is like this there is no talking to him. He doesn't listen and everything he does is for him only. He has no respect for anyone else. It's kind of like he is possessed by another person and i don't know who this other person is. This other person is so violent and uncaring that it scares me.
These are the times when I wonder if I can handle this forever. In my previous marriage I was abused emotionally and when he gets like this and continuously yells and puts me down, it brings back bad memories.
Now previously in my blog I mentioned that I wanted to see if alcohol has an effect on him acting like this. Friday night he got so drunk that he was throwing up. He passed out and the next day he felt so bad that he swore he wasn't going to drink anymore. I hope this is true but it's hard to believe because he has made this promise before. He will probably go a couple days and then drink again.
Today my husband slept most of the day. This is not unusual. He likes to lay in bed or on the couch watching tv and sleeping.
When he did get up, I was helping my son clean his room. After a while we thought about going to a movie. John agreed, which is good, otherwise he would just sit in the house all day laying around.
On the way to the movies he was listening to a news station on the radio. I do not like this because when he listens to the news he gets really upset. It happened again and I had to listen to him yell about how bad this county is becoming and how he's going to fight for freedom. It goes on and on. I understand how he feels but I don't like how upset he gets. I feel like he is yelling at me. I know it's just the situation and I'm the one there to listen to him, but I don't like it when he yells in front of my son. When I ask him to please stop yelling, I get the lecture that I'm the sheep and he is the sheep dog and he has to protect me ftom the wolves. It also usually ends up with him yelling at me and him saying that I don't see the evil in this world and what's happening to it.
Now the thing about him yelling is that it brings back memories for me from my previous marriage where I was abused. Do you see how this situation keeps going on in a circle for us?
We finally get to the movie and when we sit down, I smell alcohol. I mention it and he confesses that he had a drink before we left the house. I don't say anything because I know that if i do, it will lead to another fight.
The movie and the rest of the night went good. I just wonder if the alcohol will have an effect on his actions tom.
So Saturday was a great day. We went to a veteran's outing where John got to be around other veterans. It's really nice seeing these guys get together and forming a special bond.
The rest of the day was good. my husband and I had alone time with no kids. It seems like he has better days when he is with other veterans.
Now yesterday wasn't so good. It started off good but he started acting like a jerk in the middle of the day. I try to figure out his triggers, but I don't know what happened today. I asked him if he remembered to take his medicine, which is usually the case, but he said he took it. It also pisses him off when I ask that, but I don't like the way he treats me when he doesnt take it. so I have to remind him sometimes. Now he did have some alcohol the day before and I want to keep track of this to see if that has any correlation to his moodiness.